Okay, I Like Essays Now

I’m not an essay kinda gal. But I want to be. This weekend I read The Crane Wife upon suggestion in a co-writing space I attended. I figured I’d start to read it and then lose interest. I kept scrolling and scrolling. It felt so long. Let me tell you though, by the time I was on the last paragraph I was sad that it was already over! There weren’t enough paragraphs. I wanted to keep hanging out with the author, CJ Hauser. I was invested.

I had no idea I could love an essay. What sealed the deal was the fact that I found myself in the lines. Had I broken off an engagement ever? No. Have I ever gone on a scientific expedition to study a bird? Heck no. But there I was inside these words: “There is nothing more humiliating to me than my own desires.”

As someone who has often felt inadequate I’ve been afraid to acknowledge that I have desires. Who am I to want love when my teeth need more dental work than I can afford? Fat bodies like mine were only fetishization bait. No one would want me beyond fulfilling some kink. I come with too much baggage, I’m too messy, I don’t know how to express myself. The list could go on and on about why I was underserving.

But. I did hope. Or I guess I should say do. I resonated when CJ said “…I realized how sad it was that I’d bet so low. That I wouldn’t even let myself imagine receiving as much as I’d hoped for.” I too am realizing that I often bet low on myself. I lack trust that when someone shows interest in me it comes from a genuine space. I am not sure how to fix that, how to break through this debilitating cycle of underestimation. I found great comfort in witnessing CJ go on that journey themself.

There are so many things that we accept when we are in these vulnerable positions of low self-esteem. That we must accept less because it feels impossible to believe, to know, and to demand we are worthy. There is a lot of work in undoing the braid of the bare minimum. When did we get this way? Was it a bad relationship that broke our spirits? A family member commentating on how much food we added to our plates? Who knows.

I won’t ruin The Crane Wife for you by spoiling the ending but I have to say I am rooting for CJ. I am praising their strength to remove themself from a harmful relationship. For recognizing deprivation in a space that should have been abundant. And survival in a space that should have been thriving. I applaud them for peeling back the layers of hurt and embarrassment in front of us so that we too could see. Doesn’t it make you feel brave? It makes me feel seen. To ask for more. To ask for everything I desire without feeling needy. While knowing wholly that I am deserving.